Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
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*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.