genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
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Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Perfect.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.