It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
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Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?