Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
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“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
yes yes a thousand times yes!
58.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.