I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
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Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…