This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
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witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.