Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
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When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Fight
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”