A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
You Might Also Like
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?