for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
You Might Also Like
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.