My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
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Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
This guy gets it.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room