The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
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I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Help Wanted
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Beware…..
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.