[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
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Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run