I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
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Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
I feel it
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting