If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
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“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
⛄️
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.