I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
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I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
When he asks for feet pics
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Happy Friday
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao