My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
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I came this close!!!!
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*