I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
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HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.