Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
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How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.