I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
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It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.