….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
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And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”