“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
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If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
There’s no “u” in narcissist
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
getting groceries
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers