Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
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Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that