[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
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*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?