Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
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Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.