Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
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PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
repaired
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”