A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
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it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
My safe word is Worcestershire
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
the official breakfast of 2021
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.