when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
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on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Don’t touch that.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
worst…sale…ever
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.