Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
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People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses