No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
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“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.