Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
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My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….