her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
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I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.