If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
You Might Also Like
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?