[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
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Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
*weighs self after shaving
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6