me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
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Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
The morning after pill, but for tweets
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore