Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
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You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
#math
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead