one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
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I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous