Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
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I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
I have a type: disappointing
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
My neck my back my allergy attack
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying