People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
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If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
What about a To-Don’t List?
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love