Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
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Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes