*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
You Might Also Like
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
This is my bus stop.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice