After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
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It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”