For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
You Might Also Like
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Fixed this for Shakespeare
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
girls literally only want one thing..
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.