GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
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I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish