Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
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Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]