Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
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The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
This sounds bad:
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson