Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
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[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
I think this cat is broken
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets