Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
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A short story of betrayal:
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes