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Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.