Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
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The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
You are what you delete.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money