I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
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My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
having children is a pyramid scheme.